Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '99, drink beer
If I could offer you only one tip for the future beer would be it
The long term benefits of beer have been proven by scientists
Whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
Than my own meandering experience
I will dispense this advice now
You are as fat as you imagine
You really do look like your driver's license picture
Do something about it
No one wants to date a fat pig
If inserting a seven inch iced tea spoon
Down your throat to induce vomiting is what it takes
Well then, so be it
Do one thing every day that makes your mother ashamed
Don't floss, wayward pieces of parsley and beef
In your teeth really don't look that bad
You've already had your turn at living in New York
So leave, now, you're wasting space
And breathing up all of our oxygen
Go live in northern California
But leave before you simultaneously die in an
Earthquake and a gang related shooting
Sometimes you'll be ahead
Sometimes you'll be behind
Sometimes you'll be on top
Sometimes you'll be on bottom
Smoke cigarettes with wrecklees abandon
When you're speaking through a hole in your throat
You can always sue the tobacco company
And claim "I did not know it was bad for me"
After all, ill gotten gain is what it's all about
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't
Most likely you'll end up divorced
With a litter of children that have eight different mothers
And spend the rest of your life selling rip-off
Gucci bags outside port authority to payoff
Alimony and child support
Don't even try to dance, you're a guy for God's sake
Not even the electric slide at a wedding
Read GQ magazine and strive to look like the guy on the cover
Undergo elective reconstructive plastic surgury
Including lypo suction and penis enlargement
Make fun of old people, it's fun
And understand that friends will stab you in the back
For the price of an extra value meal
And that flame broiled isn't always better
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