Joke of the Day

An octopus walks into a bar and says "I can play ANY musical instrument going."

An Englishman gives him a guitar which he plays better than Hendrix.

An Irishman gives him a piano which he plays better than Elton John.

Then a Scotsman throws him a set of bag pipes.

The Octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes and the Scotsman says "What’s wrong can ye no play it?"

The Octopus replies "Play it? - I’m gonna shag her brains out once I get her pajamas off!!!

Mrs. Ward goes to the doctor's office to collect her husband's test results.

The lab tech says to her, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but there has been a big mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asked.

"Well, one has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband."

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at the Hospital recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't share a bed with him."

Fred and Ethel had been married for 20 years, but Ethel had finally gotten sick and tired of one of Fred's strange habits. Every time they made love, Fred insisted on shutting off the lights. After 20 years Ethel felt this was ridiculous, and figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw Fred was using a battery-operated pleasure device -- a vibrator! She went completely ballistic.

"You impotent bastard," she screamed at him. "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

"I'll explain the toy," Fred says, looking her straight in the eyes, "if you explain the kids."

BLACKANDRED wrote:

Mrs. Ward goes to the doctor's office to collect her husband's test results.

The lab tech says to her, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but there has been a big mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asked.

"Well, one has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband."

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at the Hospital recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't share a bed with him."

LOL! That's awful...but funny.

Three guys are in a doctor's office. One is a drunk, another's a smoker and the third's a gay guy.

The doctor tells each of them that, if they induldge in their bad habit one more time, they will die.

Outside they pass a bar. The drunk says, "I don't care if I die, I need a drink."
The drunk goes into the bar takes a drink and, sure enough, he drops dead.

Meanwhile the smoker and the gay guy are walking along. Then the smoker spots a lit cigarette on the sidewalk.

The gay guy looks over and says,

"If you bend down to pick that up, we're both dead."

Three guys are in a doctor's office. One is a drunk, another's a smoker and the third's a gay guy.

The doctor tells each of them that, if they induldge in their bad habit one more time, they will die.

Outside they pass a bar. The drunk says, "I don't care if I die, I need a drink."
The drunk goes into the bar takes a drink and, sure enough, he drops dead.

Meanwhile the smoker and the gay guy are walking along. Then the smoker spots a lit cigarette on the sidewalk.

The gay guy looks over and says,

"If you bend down to pick that up, we're both dead."

a brunette tells her blonde friend one day: i slept with a brazilian man last night.
her blonde friend answers: you slut!!! how many is a brazilian?

Little Barry came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His b-day was coming up and he thought now was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.

"Mom, I want a bike for my bday."

Little Barry was a bit of a troublemaker at school and at home. Barry's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his b-day.

Little Barry said, "Of course!"

Barry's mother being a Christian woman wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike. Barry stormed up the stairs to his room to write his letter.

Letter 1
Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and would like a red bike for my b-day.

Your friend, Barry.

Barry knew this was a lie so he tore up his letter and started again.

LETTER 2
Dear God,

This is your friend Barry and I have been pretty good. Can I have a red bike for my bday.

Thanks, Barry.

Barry knew he couldn't send this also so he ran downstairs and told his mom he wanted to go to church. When in the church he walked up to the alter and put a statue of the Virgin Mary under his shirt. He ran out the church and all the way home. When he got to his room, he sat down got got his pen and paper ready to write his letter to God.

LETTER 3
I'VE GOT YOUR MOM.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN,SEND THE FUCKING BIKE!!

Sam was driving home from one ofiser business trips in Northern Arizona when he saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sam tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.

Sam looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine...got it for my wife." The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."

The Father was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does, when Mary came up to him in tears.

"What's bothering you so, dear?" asked the Father.

"Oh, Father, I've got terrible news," replied Mary.

"Well, what is it, Mary?" asked Father .

"Well, my husband passed away last night, Father," said Mary.

"Oh, Mary," said the father. "That's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?"

"Well, yes he did, Father," replied Mary.

"What did he ask, Mary?" said the Father.

"He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that gun.'"

When Pedro and Maria got married, he was a very experienced
Man, but she was totally naïve.
On their wedding night, when Pedro removed his clothes,
Maria said, ‘Pedro! What is that?'
Pedro was a quick thinker.
'Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these.'
And then he proudly showed her what it was for. Maria was happy.

After the honeymoon was over, Pedro returned to work, only to return home to find an upset Maria waiting on their front porch.
'Pedro, you said you were the only man in the world with one of those and yet today, when I saw Gonzalez changing his clothes behind the shed, he had one, too!'

Ever fast on his feet, Pedro said, 'Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my best friend. Since I had two, I gave him one. So he is the only other man in the world with one.'
A sceptical Maria accepted this answer, but when Pedro returned home the next day, an agitated Maria was waiting on the porch.

'Maria? Now what's wrong?'
'Dammit, Pedro. You gave the better one to Gonzalez!

a man boards a plane and sees a beautiful, sexy woman. he continues to stare at her throughout the flight.
suddenly, the cabin begins to shake. the captain comes on the speaker and informs them that they are going to crash.
the beautiful woman stands up, begins to undress, and yells, "if i'm going to die, i'm going to go out my way. who here has what it takes to make me feel like a woman?"
the man stands up, takes off his shirt and yells, "here, iron this!"